Relationship Boundaries Learnt from Young, Famous and African

I am obsessed with Reality TV. Scripted or not, I will consume it. And if you are anything like me, we probably share the same sentiments. When the first season of Young, Famous and African aired, I was slightly disappointed, because I went in wanting to see opulence, exuberant fashion and get gagged by FOMO. Unfortunately, that first season ended up being about Diamond and all the drama with the women in his life. This sold to the viewers, and I believe that became the marking scheme for season two. I can literally see the producers seating each cast member down, and drafting how their relationships should play out. If you haven’t watched season two, let me tell you, it worked!

Which got me thinking, what really makes a healthy relationship dynamic? To answer this, I reached out to my good friend Dayan Masinde.

CA: Trailer Proposal, Red Flag or Not?

Naked DJ – real name Quinton Masina – and his girlfriend, Kayleigh Schwark have been dating for years now. In the first season, Kayleigh voiced her concerns that Naked DJ was unable to commit to their relationship. In fact, many viewers labelled their relationship “toxic” and urged the beautiful brunette to move on. This season, Naked DJ shocked Africa, with the new phrase “Trailer Proposal” where he proposed to her for a near future proposal NOT marriage.

Dayan: One underlying theme of this show is growth, something that we rarely get to appreciate in this quick paced, microwave, instant gratification era. When it comes to Kayleigh and DJ Naked, we see the growth in a man. We see the DJ getting naked and vulnerable, expressing his true feelings, fears and intentions. All Kayleigh was longing for, and in fact, what every woman longs for in a relationship, is clarity. For the man to initiate conversations about the future and paint some sort of vision for the future. The Trailer Proposal was a unique attempt of a man coming out of his shell. We need to remember he is a man with a past – two marriages that ended and he fears not doing it right again.

Whenever people do unconventional things, society can easily term them as a red flag. Yet the Trailer Proposal, albeit not a full proposal, is an attempt by him to give the woman he loves clarity. The way it happened though might have seemed not serious since at the moment to Kayleigh, it came off as a suggestion by a friend (Swanky). Compare this to DJ Naked’s proposal to Kayleigh for her to start living with him as he romantically handed her the key to his house. Kayleigh, just like any other woman was moved by this second proposal because it was all DJ Naked’s effort and he put thought into it, away from everyone else and backed his proposal with a heart-to-heart conversation. This was a man coming of age, a man who struggled to show romance, to becoming a man who reassures the woman he loves as they take it step by step, making their own rules.

What are proposals after all? Events to declare love and a vision. Beyond an event, a woman needs regular declarations of love and a vision from her man; and a sense that they are making progress as a couple.

Let’s give people room to grow.

CA: Can Two Queens Play In The Same Hive?

Nadia Nakai and Bonang Matheba were once close friends, but the two appeared to have drifted apart after Nadia started dating AKA, Matheba’s ex-boyfriend. The two women have not been seen together in public until the airing of season 2. They did not interact much in any of the scenes they were placed in. Which left me guessing if this friendship will ever be salvageable.

Dayan: This is an example of growing out of. Breakups are never easy, even if you are the one ending the relationship. It is harder when your ex moves on to love your close friend; and even more complicated when you and that close friend share mutual friends. Unfortunately, a man can come in between a sisterly friendship that has stood for years; the ex-lady feeling betrayed, the new lady feeling the need to mark her own territory. We see this play out between Nadia and Bonang, affecting the Group Dynamics to the point that Bonang sensed hostility and that the mutual friends are ganging up against her. This plus other issues made her leave the family of friends. Can such a friendship be salvaged? Yes, only if egos are tamed and respect maintained. The thing about seeing oneself as a Queen is that it can denote power and where power is, ego is at play.

CA: Let’s Talk Post Traumatic Infidelity Syndrome. How Can One Overcome It?

Nigerian music icon, 2face Idibia has been in the spotlight for having numerous affairs before, and while still married to Annie Idibia. 2Face has 7 children, 5 of whom were born out of wedlock. Annie’s two daughters are the singer’s 6th and 7th born. Recent allegations have it that he is expecting a child with his banker.

Dayan: As the most mature couple in the show and with older children, the Idibias demonstrate how a couple can grow in handling issues. Anne has come to a place of acceptance of 2Face’s past and his children, and when the bloggers and outsiders seek to bring in recycled issues as new issues; they fight together as a couple. They talk with each other through it, 2Face flies all the way to see his wife with the children to show support, and Annie stands up for her man and marriage by putting the record straight in public on a podcast. From a woman who contemplated suicide to one who keeps her home, this is growth. The truth is, people are keen to see marriages failing than thriving. The world has itchy ears to celebrate issues in relationships. When your marriage is being shaken, hold on to each other.

One area that was of concern, is when 2Face embarrassingly aired his views in front of friends that it’s OK for a man to make love to his wife and have sex with other women. It is statements like this that can raise questions in your spouse. When sharing an opinion, be careful not to make your spouse question your fidelity to the marriage especially when there has been a history of inappropriate behavior.

The beauty about growing as a couple through your issues is that you get to inspire and mentor others as a couple, just like the Idibias gave counsel to Andile and Sebabatso.

CA: On Respecting The Baby Mama; Especially The First One…?

Drama erupted when mega star Diamond professed his love to Ghanaian rapper Fantana. The rapper fell head over heels for his sweet nothings and numerous lies about his ex, Zari, where he painted her as a villain. The two women became enemies and started hurling unprintable words at each other, to the amusement of fellow cast members and Africa at large.

Dayan: Oh, the sometimes murky waters of co-parenting. The thing about pursuing love with someone who is co-parenting is that their baby mama/daddy is actively in their lives. In Diamond’s case however, the boundaries aren’t so clear, Zari and Diamond are very cordial and warm to each other, and this makes Zari a strong presence in Diamond’s life, leading to friction when a strong woman like Fantana comes into the picture.

For Diamond to get what he wants, he felt he had to communicate something unpleasant about Zari to make Fantana comfortable. This is not necessary, if you are forming something new, no need to talk about your ex; after all, you are no longer together. As for Fantana, because she is marking her space in Diamond’s life, she ended up attacking Zari with her older age in an attempt to bring her down.

In the end, all three parties grew in how to handle the situation without the drama. In the words of Diamond, they had a Memorandum of understanding.


CA: Me, Him and The Sister Wives. Should I Accept It?

Lover boy Andile Ncube confused on which of his ex-wives he should take back. The weird part is, both ex-wives are willing and ready to go back despite all the toxic chaos.

Dayan: History can be quite confusing. Despite the toxicity of the past in both relationships, there is an awareness that growth has taken place in Andile and both women. Combining growth and the shared history, it is understandable that both women are considering an exclusive relationship with Andile and are vocal about it. Andile too, has grown to value the need for a complete family and choosing a woman to spend the rest of his life with. He is not growing any younger and doesn’t want to come home to an empty house.

Choosing one of the two women will affect the existing status quo and that will lead to changes. Sometimes changes are necessary to put an end to living life in the grey area. To make the decision, it was wise of Andile to have an honest conversation with both Rosette and Sebabatso. They were difficult conversations, but they had to be had. What difficult conversations are you putting off?

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